“People Pleaser”: How Trauma Shapes This Coping Mechanism
What is people pleasing?
If you often say "yes" when you want to say "no," or find yourself prioritizing others at the cost of your own well-being, you may identify as a people pleaser. And while people-pleasing can sometimes be mistaken for kindness or helpfulness, it often stems from something deeper—like unresolved trauma.
As a trauma therapist offering EMDR therapy in Los Angeles, I regularly work with clients who struggle with people-pleasing behaviors. They often ask, “Why do I do this—and why is it so hard to stop?” The answer usually lies in early life experiences. People-pleasing isn't just a personality quirk—it's a powerful coping mechanism developed in response to emotional neglect or trauma.
Let’s explore the benefits, costs, and trauma roots of people-pleasing—and how therapy, including EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), can help you break free from the cycle.
The Short-Term "Benefits" of People-Pleasing
People-pleasing behaviors can feel useful at first. Here’s why many people find it difficult to let them go:
Avoiding conflict: Saying "yes" keeps the peace and avoids confrontation—at least temporarily.
Feeling valued or needed: Helping others can give a sense of purpose and worth.
Creating a sense of safety: In unpredictable environments, pleasing others may have helped maintain stability.
Gaining approval: If love or attention was conditional, being agreeable might have felt like the only way to be accepted.
If you’re wondering, “Is being a people-pleaser bad?” Consider this: These short-term benefits often reinforce the behavior, even though the long-term consequences can be emotionally draining.
The Hidden Costs of People-Pleasing
Over time, people-pleasing can quietly take a toll on your mental health and relationships:
Emotional exhaustion: Constantly tending to others' needs leads to burnout.
Loss of identity: You may lose touch with your own preferences, desires, or boundaries.
Unbalanced relationships: One-sided relationships often form, leading to resentment and neglect of your own needs.
Anxiety and self-doubt: A deep fear of rejection or failure to meet expectations can create chronic anxiety.
Suppressed emotions: Ignoring your true feelings may lead to depression, irritability, or physical symptoms like headaches or digestive issues.
How Trauma Fuels People-Pleasing
Many people-pleasing tendencies begin in childhood—especially in homes marked by emotional neglect, abuse, or instability. These behaviors once served as survival strategies.
Here’s how trauma can influence this pattern:
Emotional neglect or abuse: You may have learned that staying quiet or helpful kept caregivers happy—and you safe.
Conditional love: If you were only shown affection when you were “good” or compliant, you may link your worth to how useful you are to others.
Conflict avoidance: In chaotic environments, diffusing tension became your way of managing fear or danger.
Disconnection from self: Trauma teaches you to suppress your needs to secure safety or approval, making it difficult to later identify your authentic desires.
Healing from People-Pleasing with EMDR Therapy in Los Angeles
You might find yourself asking, “How do I stop being a people-pleaser? The good news? People-pleasing doesn’t have to define your future. With support, you can begin to reclaim your identity and develop healthier patterns.
As a therapist specializing in EMDR therapy in Los Angeles, I work with individuals to process unresolved trauma and reduce the emotional triggers that drive people-pleasing. Here’s how EMDR works to promote healing from the traumas that contribute to people-pleasing::
Build self-awareness: Notice when you're putting others’ needs before your own. What emotions or fears arise?
Explore your trauma story: EMDR therapy helps access and reprocess early memories that contributed to these behaviors, freeing you from old patterns.
Practice boundaries: Saying “no” may feel uncomfortable at first—but it’s essential for emotional health and personal growth.
Reconnect with your authentic self: Begin rediscovering what brings you joy, meaning, and purpose—apart from pleasing others.
Ready to Break the Cycle?
If you're ready to explore how trauma-informed EMDR therapy can help you overcome people-pleasing and reconnect with your authentic self, I invite you to reach out.
Michelle Nosrati, MCSW
Licensed Clinical Social Worker | EMDR Therapist | Los Angeles, CA
Schedule a Consultation to learn more about working together.
